Читаем без скачивания Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения (ASCII-IPA) - Илья Франк

Embarrassed (смущенный), Morris confesses (признается), "It's true (это правда), Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for (ты была лучшей женой, на которую мужчина мог бы надеяться). You make me happy in all ways (во всем: «всеми путями = способами») but one (кроме одного). You don't moan (не стонешь) when we have sex!"

"If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! (перестал бы ходить на сторону: «бегать вокруг») All right (хорошо, ладно), come to the bedroom (пройди в спальню) so I can show you (чтобы я могла показать тебе) that I, too, can moan during sex! (что я тоже умею: «могу» стонать во время секса)"

So they retire (итак, они удаляются) to the bedroom, get undressed (раздеваются), and climb between the sheets (забираются в постель: «между простынями»).

As they begin to kiss (когда они начинают целоваться), Sadie asks (спрашивает), "Now, Morris, should I moan now? (ну, сейчас мне стонать: «должна я стонать сейчас»)"

"No, not yet (нет еще)."

Morris begins fondling (ласкать) Sadie.

"What about now? (а сейчас: «как насчет сейчас») Should I moan now?"

"No, I'll tell you when (я скажу тебе, когда)."

They begin to make love… (они начинают заниматься любовью)

"Is it time for me to moan (/уже/ время для меня стонать), Morris?"

"Wait (подожди), I'll tell you when."

Moments later (несколько мгновений спустя), in the heat of passion (в пылу страсти), seconds before reaching climax (за несколько секунд до достижения оргазма; to reach — достигать), Morris yells (орет), "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"

"OY! You wouldn't believe! (ты не поверишь) what a day I had (ну и денек у меня был сегодня: «какой я имела денек»; to moan — стонать; жаловаться)"

Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that chippy secretary in your office.

Why would you do that to me?

Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"

Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for.

You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!"

"If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!"

So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb between the sheets.

As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?"

"No, not yet."

Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now? Should I moan now?"

"No, I'll tell you when."

They begin to make love…

"Is it time for me to moan, Morris?"

"Wait, I'll tell you when."

Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax,

Morris yells, "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"

"OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I had!"

You wouldn't believe what a day I had!

The rabbi and the priest met (рабби и священник встречались /to meet-met-met/) every Sunday at 2 PM in the park (каждое воскресенье в 2 часа после полудня в парке) to talk over the week's event set (побеседовать о «наборе» событий за неделю). They rode their bicycles (они приезжали на велосипедах /to ride-rode-ridden/) to a special bench (скамейка) every Sunday for twenty years (в течение двадцати лет).

One Sunday the rabbi got to bench exactly (прибыл к скамейке точно) at 2 and waited and waited (ждал). An hour went by (прошел час) and the priest was still not there (а священника все не было: «все еще не был там»).

The rabbi rode home (домой) and called the priest on the phone (и позвонил священнику по телефону). "Hey, Father, what happened? (что случилось)" The rabbi asked (спросил). "For twenty years we've met at the park every Sunday, but today you didn't show up (но сегодня ты не появился). What's wrong? (что случилось: «что не так, неверно»)

"Well Rabbi," the priest explained (объяснил), "after church (после церкви) today I went out to get my bike (я вышел взять мой велосипед) to meet you, but my bike was missing (пропал: «был пропавшим, отсутствующим»). I know it must have been (я знаю, это должен был быть) someone in my parish (кто-нибудь в моем приходе) who took it (кто взял его). Rabbi, what should I do? (что мне делать: «что я должен сделать»)"

"Well, that's quite a dilemma (да, это, пожалуй, дилемма), Father." The rabbi said thoughtfully (задумчиво), "I'll tell you what you should do (я скажу тебе, что делать). Next Sunday when you give your sermon (в следующее воскресенье, когда будешь читать: «давать» свою проповедь), speak of the Ten Commandments (поговори о Десяти Заповедях). When you get to the part about (когда дойдешь до места: «части» о) ‘Thou shall not steal’ (не укради), look over your congregation (огляди свою паству), and the person with the guilty look (с виноватым взглядом; guilt — вина) will be the one who stole (будет тот, кто украл /to steal-stole-stolen/) your bicycle."

The following Sunday (в следующее воскресенье) at 2 the rabbi was already waiting for the priest (уже поджидал священника).

Promptly (точно) at 2 up rode the priest on his bike.

"Well Father, my idea must have worked (моя идея, должно быть, сработала)," the rabbi said.

"Well, not quite (ну, не совсем)," the priest intoned (пропел, произнес нараспев, протянул). "I was going through the Ten Commandments as you suggested (я проходил через Десять Заповедей, как ты посоветовал). But when I got to the part about ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery’ (не прелюбодействуй)," I remembered (вспомнил) where I left (где я оставил /to leave-left-left/) my bike."

The rabbi and the priest met every Sunday at 2 PM in the park to talk over the week's event sat. They rode their bicycles to a special bench every Sunday for twenty years.

One Sunday the rabbi got to bench exactly at 2 and waited and waited. An hour went by and the priest was still not there.

The rabbi rode home and called the priest on the phone. "Hey, Father, what happened?" The rabbi asked. "For twenty years we've met at the park every Sunday, but today you didn't show up. What's wrong?

"Well Rabbi," the priest explained, "after church today I went out to get my bike to meet you, but my bike was missing. I know it must have been someone in my parish who took it. Rabbi, what should I do?"

"Well, that's quite a dilemma, Father." The rabbi said thoughtfully, "I'll tell you what you should do. Next Sunday when you give your sermon, speak of the Ten Commandments. When you get to the part about ‘Thou shall not steal’, look over your congregation, and the person with the guilty look will be the one who stole your bicycle."

The following Sunday at 2 the rabbi was already waiting for the priest.

Promptly at 2 up rode the priest on his bike.

"Well Father, my idea must have worked," the rabbi said.

"Well, not quite," the priest intoned. "I was going through the Ten Commandments as you suggested. But when I got to the part about ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery’, I remembered where I left my bike."

What happened?

What's wrong?

What should I do?

Well, my idea must have worked.

Well, not quite.

A carpenter (плотник) in Chelm is fixing the roof (чинит крышу), but as he works (в то время, как он работает, работая), he throws away (отбрасывает) about half the nails (около половины гвоздей). The mayor is passing by (мэр проходит мимо), and asks him why he's wasting so many nails (и спрашивает его, почему он тратит впустую так много гвоздей; to waste — расточать, тратить /впустую/).

The carpenter answers (отвечает), "I take a nail out of the bag (я беру гвоздь из ящика), and if it's facing the roof (и если он лицом = острием к крыше), I use it (я его использую); if it's facing away (если в другую сторону: «прочь»), I know it's defective (я знаю, что он бракованный) and throw it away."

The mayor tells him, "You fool! (дурак) Those are for the other side!! (те для другой стороны)"

A carpenter in Chelm is fixing the roof, but as he works, he throws away about half the nails. The mayor is passing by, and asks him why he's wasting so many nails. The carpenter answers, "I take a nail out of the bag, and if it's facing the roof, I use it; if it's facing away, I know it's defective and throw it away."

The mayor tells him, "You fool! Those are for the other side!!"

You fool!

The rabbi of Chelm and one of his students (и один из его учеников) were spending the night (проводили ночь /to spend-spent-spent — тратить, расходовать; проводить /время/) at the inn (в гостинице). The student asked the servant (попросил слугу) to wake him at dawn (разбудить его на заре) because he was to take an early train (так как ему нужно было попасть на ранний поезд). The servant did so (так и сделал). Not wishing (не желая) to wake the rabbi, the student groped in the dark for his clothes (нащупал в темноте свою одежду) and, in his haste (в спешке), he put on (надел) the long rabbinical gabardine (длинный габардин рабби — длиннополый кафтан из грубого сукна). He hurried to the station (поспешил на станцию), and, as he entered the train (когда сел: «вошел» в поезд), he was struck dumb with amazement (онемел от изумления; struck — сражен /to strike-struck-struck/; dumb — немой) as he looked at himself (когда посмотрел на себя) in the compartment mirror (в зеркало купе).

"What an idiot that servant is!" he cried angrily (крикнул сердито). "I asked him to wake me, instead (вместо этого) he went and woke the rabbi! (он пошел и разбудил рабби)"

The rabbi of Chelm and one of his students were spending the night at the inn. The student asked the servant to wake him at dawn because he was to take an early train. The servant did so. Not wishing to wake the rabbi, the student groped in the dark for his clothes and, in his haste, he put on the long rabbinical gabardine. He hurried to the station, and, as he entered the train, he was struck dumb with amazement as he looked at himself in the compartment mirror.

"What an idiot that servant is!" he cried angrily. "I asked him to wake me, instead he went and woke the rabbi!"

I was struck dumb with amazement.

The rabbi was fed up (был пресыщен, ему надоела /to feed-fed-fed — кормить, питать) with his congregation (паства). So, he decided to skip the services (итак, поэтому он решил пропустить богослужения) on Yom Kippur, the holiest day (самый священный день) on the Jewish calendar, and instead go play golf (и вместо этого пойти поиграть в гольф).